Losing a 'pacifier'

Now i can't remain silent in the dark ,i need to scream it out and i found out that i am a lost sheep in a cave with no one out there to help . I lost 3 of my freedom and i don't know what to do. One gone i still can manage , the second goes then i still can cope, the third one which gone forever makes me feel unbearable. I really need to commit suicide . I can't bear the emotional pain anymore.

Still remember the good old days ,when we travelled together to other countries . We enjoyed the benefits and then i really appreciated the discounted tickets i get but sometimes i really hate of waiting for my turn to board the flight .Then it is still very fortunate for me to travel by air and not the same with my school friends who need to travel by road back to their hometown. I was very fortunate , thanks to MAS . But now it is over . I can't even get a discount ticket anymore. In the rules, they need a full time students studying in a government recognised institution in order to get the benefit but METC is not recognised by the government and we are now not studying but training (get allowance) . It is damn unfair for us to bear the consequence of being treated like that. The f**king rules should change for good. This year is my last year enjoy the benefit of staff travel . Next year onwards i need to scratch my head to think of the dates i need to travel and buy the tickets earlier . Last time this problem is not in my consideration but now i finally in their shoes. If i am one of my friends who didn't get the benefits from the start then i can still cope with it. For my case , i am so used to getting the benefits then suddenly i lost everything .As for you , how can you cope with it? No family vacation together (for me family is very pivotal ), no hospital benefit (to cure my sinus) , no more discount airfare. This is the third thing i mentioned earlier. The first and the second one i have coped it well. It is unbearable to swallow the grudge anymore.

Remembering the days when i was in UMS, so much holidays we have and freedom we get from the holidays. Now it is totally over. I sacrificed my interest for my future , then holidays , finally the MAS benefits. I really headed about the matter and i wish nothing has changed . If i am still in UMS then i can still enjoy the benefit of travel until i finished my course. Now my benefits are robbed and i have to bear for 2 years without the benefits until i can enjoy the benefits of my own because on the 4th year and 5 th year we will have our staff's numbers (MAS employees).

I wish i was younger like my friends who are still 18 years old . By the time they finish their 3 years with benefits then straight away they get their benefits on their own. For me, my 'road' ends here .Definitely I won't be going back so frequent (eg. for the weekends), less chance to see my grandmas . I missed them very much . I don't want the history to relive again. I lost my grandfather but i can't even pay my last respect to him. Now ,i fear i won't have the chance to accompany my grandparents more often as they are old and they will not live long in this world.